Building your intimacy muscle

The movies make intimacy look so easy and organic. I believe the movies set us up with unrealistic expectations. We expect our partners to be mind readers. I see this often in my office. I ask, “Does your partner know you feel this way?” The typical answer I get is, “I think so?” If I had a dollar for every time I have heard this or some variation of this answer, I would sitting on the beach in Italy. I often tell clients that to expect our partners to be a mind reader is a recipe for danger.

Some couples do intimacy well and with what looks like ease. I can assure you, that for most, this is not the case. Like all things worthwhile, intimacy takes work. The rewards are magical and can even improve your health. Intimacy can help you and your partner feel less alone. A connected, loving, and intimate relationship can even reduce your pain and improve your blood pressure. Intimacy fosters connection.

 

So how do we improve intimacy?

The first and most important step to increasing intimacy is telling your partner that you want it. Next, you mutually have to be willing to do the work. This requires removing your guard, dropping your defenses, and being vulnerable. Trusting your partner is the corner stone of an intimate partnership. This is the most difficult part of increasing intimacy.

The following are some ways to start your journey to a more connected and intimate partnership:

• Cultivate your friendship — know your partner’s likes and dislikes, be aware of their struggles and their dreams, know their friends and their co-workers, and know what they value. See the love map questionnaire located on the resource tab.
• Be open with your affection — hold their hand; look directly into their eyes, exchange loving smiles, and wrap your arms around each other often.
• Praise your partner — acknowledge your partner’s efforts; find them doing good; compliment your partner both publicly and privately; and openly express your respect for each other. A genuine heart-felt thank you goes a long way.
• Be your partner’s cheerleader — look for opportunities to encourage each other; be their motivator in the good times and the not-so-good times; and inspire your partner to be the best possible person by being the best possible person you can be.
• Create an intimate space — find a place where you and your partner can share without having to edit your conversation.
• Have open conversations — be present, be clear and open about your feelings, needs, and wants (this is especially important when talking about sex). Be honest about the stories that you are telling yourself. Be curious. Look for positive intent from your partner, and attempt to view your partner through the eyes of empathy. See Brene Brown’s Sympathy vs Empathy video located on the resource tab.
• Laugh with your partner — find humor in the hard things. Come what may and laugh at it. Wholehearted laughter drives connection and cultivates intimacy.
• Forgive and accept forgiveness — try to see things from your partner’s perspective. Accepting forgiveness means forgiving yourself. We are all human and make mistakes and have misunderstandings. Look for the best in yourself and in your partner.

What we look for we will find. If we decide to look for the best in our partners we will often find that they will find us doing our best. One of the most efficacious ways of finding the best in our partners is to be the best possible partner we can be. Like building a strong muscle, it takes exercise. The same is true for intimacy. Intimacy takes work. Looking to build stronger connection and intimacy? Call and schedule an appointment today.