Sex & Autism 15: Empathy & Sex

Two common autistic traits are difficulties in social situations and social communication. Some of us may show little interest in others, and we may have difficulties with expressive language.

Early on, researchers believed a lack of empathy was a universal autistic trait. We now know empathy is just one of our traits that exist on the autism spectrum… just like in neurotypical people.

One of my strengths is that I think differently than neurotypicals. Many of us do! Our thinking differently affects our social perceptions, interactions, and understandings. We can misunderstand another’s behavior, and they may misunderstand ours. We might just not understand all the nuances of a social situation. These misunderstandings can lead people to believe we lack empathy. We can seem callous and unaware when another person struggles with a task yet respond to or acknowledge another’s emotional distress.

I’ve experienced times where I see the distress and I just don’t know what to do or what to say. So I “stay safe” and do nothing. Other times, I’ve responded in an inappropriate way that didn’t fall the way I had hoped. Regardless of my intent, the outcome may have appeared cold, harsh, uncaring, or mean. For all of us who experience something like this, neurotypicals may believe autistics are not empathetic.

Empathy is interoceptive in that we internally feel another’s pain or joy. You express empathy by sitting with them in the emotion— they don’t need you to fix anything.

When your partner tells you how lousy their day was, being empathetic helps them to know you are there for them. As you share their experience, you strengthen the bond between the two of you. You might say something like, “Wow, that really sucks” or “I would have had a hard day, too”.

Making the effort to walk with your partner in their feelings improves intimacy, increases feelings of safety, and expands appreciation. All of these are favorable conditions that often lead to improved and more connective sex.