connecting-conversations sex communication connection reflection self-regulation self-improvement growth intimacy kindness: Hard Talks Pt 6: collaborate don’t negotiate: A third pathway for connecting conversations is to be open to multiple ways of collaboratively solving the problem. My great grandmother used to say, “you have two ears and one mouth, which one should you use more often?” Listening is just as important as talking. Silence can be a good thing when used to hear and to understand. Jul-20-2023

Hard Talks Pt 6: collaborate don’t negotiate

A third pathway for connecting conversations is to be open to multiple ways of collaboratively solving the problem. My great grandmother used to say, “you have two ears and one mouth, which one should you use more often?” Listening is just as important as talking. Silence can be a good thing when used to hear and to understand.

Stop trying to be nice! Start by being respectful and kind, and share what you are thinking using a soft start up and gentleness. It is here that genuine curiosity and openness often aids in connections.

Come from the perspective of discussion and collaboration rather than negotiation. Collaboration aids in identifying and working towards a common goal, which for couples leads to connection. Negotiation drives a wedge between those at the table.

I’ve watched my partner negotiate car purchases, and it can be a brutal process where he holds all the power. He’s always ready to walk away and forsake everything in the relationship if he doesn’t feel he’s getting what he wants. In a relationship negotiation, everyone involved loses when the individuals won’t put aside selfish and self-centered wants for the benefit of the couple. Negotiation is about maximizing what one individual gets rather than connection that the couple is desiring.

The best and most successful solutions come when both members of the couple have the opportunity to dialogue. Think of dialogue like verbal and intellectual dancing with the free sharing of ideas leading to a mutual conclusion. Interestingly enough, couples who have dialogues about problems are more likely to participate in solutions and ideas when they are given the opportunity to participate in the decision making process, even if they don’t agree. Inclusion of ideas from both partners toward a mutual goal— even if the chosen path is different than they would have chosen— results in a better outcome than if a command or advice is given.



marriage counseling and sex therapy will improve your relationship

Chris Wilhoite MA, CST, C-PST Marriage, Relationship, and Certified Sex Therapist

Founder of Littleton Couple’s Counseling. Chris enjoys being in nature, hiking, paddle boarding, and cooking.

https://creativecontinuum.biz


Questions Answered At a Glance

Discover what makes therapy work

What makes sex therapy different from “normal” therapy?

Sex therapy is a type of psychotherapy that focuses specifically on communication, relationships, intimacy, and sex. We often discuss low libido, desire discrepancy, painful intercourse, non-traditional relationships, orgasm difficulties, and sexual preferences.

What is sex therapy?

Sex therapy is a form of talk therapy that helps people deal with sexual problems and improve their sexual health and well-being. It’s important because we’re all sexual beings, and our mental health can affect our sexual desire and pleasure. Sex therapy can help people talk about uncomfortable things about sex, intimacy, and communication, but it’s important to remember that many sexual health problems could be solved if people talked openly about sex and their experiences.

Are you comfortable talking about ethical non-monagomy (ENM)?

Yes. Ethical non-monogamy (ENM) is a relationship style that focuses on honesty, openness, and mutual agreement when it comes to having multiple romantic or sexual partners. Whether you’re just starting to think about this idea or have been curious for a while, ethical non-monogamy can be a really liberating way to love and connect. But it’s important to know that this lifestyle might not be right for everyone. That’s totally okay. The real question is, does ENM fit with your values and emotional needs?

Can you help with struggles with sex and religion?

You might be confused about why feelings about sex are so tough when you believe “God made us as we are.” This struggle and doubt can make you feel even more ashamed and alone from your partner. You might even wonder if you’re going through religious sexual trauma, even though you were never physically abused in the church. This unwanted religious sexual dysfunction can strain your intimate relationships, and it might make the pain, guilt, and shame you’ve been carrying since you were a kid even worse. We can help.

Are our sexual wants normal?

It can be tough to figure out what’s “normal” when it comes to sex, because everyone’s different. Instead of trying to fit in with what others think is “normal,” it’s more important to listen to your own body and mind. Think about what makes you feel good and what you’ve been wanting lately. Comparing yourself to others or to porn can make you feel bad about yourself, but if you’re struggling with your sexual identity, know that you’re not alone.

My partner and I have mismatched desire. Are we normal?

A common concern is the struggle with low libido or decreased arousal. Many people experience fluctuations in their sexual desire—often due to medical conditions, stress, or other underlying factors. If your current arousal levels differ significantly from the past or from your partner, discussing it with one of our certified psychosexual therapists can help alleviate anxiety and provide guidance on how to address the issue.

How do I know when it’s time to talk to someone about my sexual issues?

If you’ve been looking for info about sex therapy and common sexual concerns, you’ve already taken a huge step towards acknowledging your worries. If your concerns keep you up a night, talking to a sex therapist could give you some clarity and help you find solutions.