What if we W.A.I.T.?

In my email inbox this morning was a blog article about parenting. I was truly touched by it. The article was about the acronym W.A.I.T which stands for “Why Am I Talking?” Like the therapist who wrote the blog, we also have kids still living in my home. I was intrigued.

I know having young adults in my home I find that they are often just not listening. The reasons why parents— of which I am one— keep talking when things are not going well resonated deeply for me.

I asked myself why this resonates so deeply for me? Partially, I keep talking to my kids for all the reasons the author points out. But there was more. I began to see that this doesn’t only apply to parenting… I see these reasons playing out in my office day in and day out in my work with couples.

The reasons we keep talking to our kids also apply to why we keep talking to our partners.

How much more connected could we be to our partners? What could the effectiveness of our communication be with them if we asked ourselves “Why am I talking?”?

The author suggest some powerful reasons why we continue to talk with diminishing returns. Often the reasons we keep talking when things are not going well include the following:

1. We want to be right.
2. We feel out of control and want things to feel safe again.
3. We want to be seen and heard and valued for our contributions to the partnership.
4. We want our contributions to be acknowledged.
5. We want to be known and understood; we want our partner to see our perspective.
6. We are an external processor (we speak to think).
7. We are not honoring our own boundaries, let alone our partner’s.

When we find ourselves talking and the conversation keeps going in circles, what would it be like to ask ourselves “Why am I talking?”. When we get caught in theses circles it often feels hopeless and overwhelming. When escalated, our brains are not processing in a place of logic and reason, even though it may feel like we are being completely reasonable.

What could it be like if we paused, slowed things down, and gave our brains the opportunity to return to logic and reason? Brené Brown’s definition of connection is to be seen, heard, and valued. When the conversation is not going well and we continue to talk, we are seeking to connect and be known and appreciated. Often times what is needed is to pause and acknowledge our emotions and then let logic and reason help guide the conversation. By asking ourselves why we are talking can help us understand what we are needing for ourselves and our partners, and guide us to more productive and fulfilling conversations.