Adult Autism: Sharing vs Oversharing
Theory of mind
Theory of mind. It’s understanding and applying the concept that other people have thoughts, feelings, ideas, perceptions, and points of view that can differ from ours. Theory of mind leads to understanding of and having compassion with others; it is the basis of empathy.
People with adult autism may not be able to integrate theory of mind into their lives. Others may struggle with it. Not understanding or integrating theory of mind can lead to a person appearing uncaring or self-centered, and may drive people away.
One common course of action that adult autism can present is demonstrated when that person talks about a subject that they are passionate about. And talks. And talks. And talks. It’s ok and healthy for you non-autistic folks to roll your eyes and admit that you’ve felt this. I can’t even begin to imagine how you might struggle when I start to talk about the nuanced interpreted server interactions with PHP when one concatenates a statement with “.” (the period) versus combining two strings with “,” (the comma) and the performance penalty that concatenation brings.
See how easy that was for my adult autism and how painful that was for you?
Taking turns
It’s not easy to play catch when someone else holds onto the ball.
I must have had really good parents. I don’t recall my dad ever telling the 8-year-old me to shut up after talking about Star Wars for hours on end. Nor hamsters. Or computers. Or BASIC programming or databases. (To this day, I don’t think my dad gives two shakes about Star Wars or anything science-fictiony. Yet, he took me to a Star Trek convention when I was seven.)
If someone could have introduced my dad to a simple concept back then, we might have a very different relationship today. The idea is Taking Turns.
Rather than giving a person with adult autism the rule that they can’t talk about trains, baseball, Wales, gardening, world-destroying asteroids, Cyanobacteria, or whatever their passion may be, give them permission say three sentences about the subject. If the other person doesn’t want to continue the conversation on that topic by asking a question, it is then the other person’s chance to talk about something they like. When the conversation pauses, help the person with adult autism to ask questions that may lead to other people sharing their likes with them.
Demonstrate taking turns outside of the real world
An excellent way to teach and reinforce this concept is with turn-based games. When it’s your turn, you get to talk and play. When it’s someone else’s turn, they get to talk and play.
As the autistic kid, I still struggle with this. I send unsolicited texts with pictures of my garden or of my dog. I’ve even been known to do this at all hours of the night. Even as an adult autism coach, I work daily on application of theory of mind and understanding that not everyone has the same interests and passions that I have.
