relationships mindset  why-cant-they emotions: Our stories matter: I am married to one of the sweetest men on the face of this planet. He is one of the greatest gifts this life has given me. On occasion we fall short of our desired relationship mark and find ourselves in an argument. What do you do when you find yourself fighting with the one you love the most? Sep-29-2018

Our stories matter

I am married to one of the sweetest men on the face of this planet. He is one of the greatest gifts this life has given me. On occasion we fall short of our desired relationship mark and find ourselves in an argument. What do you do when you find yourself fighting with the one you love the most?

Most of us begin by lining up the evidence to support our case and to prove that we are right. As we are rallying the supporting evidence troops our partner is usually doing the very same thing. And where do we find ourselves: looking to share our next point. That’s right: we are in our heads, and not for a second listening to our partner. Where does this get us? Yup, you guessed it: stuck and frustrated.

 

The stories we tell ourselves

I recently attended a training, and at the end of the training the warm feelings I had been feeling had gone astray. I left in tears and was emotionally shaken. I dropped off my carpool buddy and proceeded to call my partner. I was in the in the throngs of telling him how I was feeling and he called out his daughter’s name (my step-daughter). I was crushed. I felt like he had chosen her over me and my pain. I went quickly from crushed to angry. I angrily said that I would talk to him when I got home and hung up the phone. As I drove home with tears streaming down my face, I became more and more upset. By the time I got home I was down-right pissed off.

By the time that I got home I had constructed a story that wasn’t true. I have seen this scenario play out in my office over and over again. Couples mount evidence that their partner isn’t there for them or doesn’t care. This is usually so far from the truth. I often ask my clients what is the opposite of love? Almost without hesitation they say it its hate. This is also untrue. The truth is the opposite of love is apathy. When we get angry enough to fight it is usually because we are longing for are partner and have convinced our selves that they don’t love us or care.

What if there were a better way?



marriage counseling and sex therapy will improve your relationship

Chris Wilhoite MA, CST, C-PST Marriage, Relationship, and Certified Sex Therapist

Founder of Littleton Couple’s Counseling. Chris enjoys being in nature, hiking, paddle boarding, and cooking.

https://creativecontinuum.biz


Questions Answered At a Glance

Discover what makes therapy work

What makes sex therapy different from “normal” therapy?

Sex therapy is a type of psychotherapy that focuses specifically on communication, relationships, intimacy, and sex. We often discuss low libido, desire discrepancy, painful intercourse, non-traditional relationships, orgasm difficulties, and sexual preferences.

What is sex therapy?

Sex therapy is a form of talk therapy that helps people deal with sexual problems and improve their sexual health and well-being. It’s important because we’re all sexual beings, and our mental health can affect our sexual desire and pleasure. Sex therapy can help people talk about uncomfortable things about sex, intimacy, and communication, but it’s important to remember that many sexual health problems could be solved if people talked openly about sex and their experiences.

Are you comfortable talking about ethical non-monagomy (ENM)?

Yes. Ethical non-monogamy (ENM) is a relationship style that focuses on honesty, openness, and mutual agreement when it comes to having multiple romantic or sexual partners. Whether you’re just starting to think about this idea or have been curious for a while, ethical non-monogamy can be a really liberating way to love and connect. But it’s important to know that this lifestyle might not be right for everyone. That’s totally okay. The real question is, does ENM fit with your values and emotional needs?

Can you help with struggles with sex and religion?

You might be confused about why feelings about sex are so tough when you believe “God made us as we are.” This struggle and doubt can make you feel even more ashamed and alone from your partner. You might even wonder if you’re going through religious sexual trauma, even though you were never physically abused in the church. This unwanted religious sexual dysfunction can strain your intimate relationships, and it might make the pain, guilt, and shame you’ve been carrying since you were a kid even worse. We can help.

Are our sexual wants normal?

It can be tough to figure out what’s “normal” when it comes to sex, because everyone’s different. Instead of trying to fit in with what others think is “normal,” it’s more important to listen to your own body and mind. Think about what makes you feel good and what you’ve been wanting lately. Comparing yourself to others or to porn can make you feel bad about yourself, but if you’re struggling with your sexual identity, know that you’re not alone.

My partner and I have mismatched desire. Are we normal?

A common concern is the struggle with low libido or decreased arousal. Many people experience fluctuations in their sexual desire—often due to medical conditions, stress, or other underlying factors. If your current arousal levels differ significantly from the past or from your partner, discussing it with one of our certified psychosexual therapists can help alleviate anxiety and provide guidance on how to address the issue.

How do I know when it’s time to talk to someone about my sexual issues?

If you’ve been looking for info about sex therapy and common sexual concerns, you’ve already taken a huge step towards acknowledging your worries. If your concerns keep you up a night, talking to a sex therapist could give you some clarity and help you find solutions.