relationships mindset why-cant-they kindness emotions: Start small and set yourself up to win: Begin by imagining one small thing that would signal that things are getting better, and begin to look for it in your daily interactions. Look for your partner doing good. When you find them doing something well, tell them. This fosters the feelings of being seen and appreciated and goes a long way. This doesn’t mean that you are burying your head in the sand to the problems in your relationship. Jan-01-2020

Start small and set yourself up to win

Begin by imagining one small thing that would signal that things are getting better, and begin to look for it in your daily interactions. Look for your partner doing good. When you find them doing something well, tell them. This fosters the feelings of being seen and appreciated and goes a long way. This doesn’t mean that you are burying your head in the sand to the problems in your relationship.

Positive thinking means that you approach your daily life in a more positive and productive way. When you think this way your brain begins to look for the positive and expects that the best is going to happen. Positive thinking often starts with healthy self-talk. How we talk to ourselves in our internal narration of our lives has a significant affect on how we interact with our partner. Many times self-talk may arise from misconceptions that you create because of lack of information.

I remember calling home and really needing my partner’s full attention. I was sad and stressed. During a particularly sensitive part of the conversation with my partner, he called out our daughter’s name. I thought he wasn’t paying attention to me and disregarded everything that I was saying as not of particular importance... yet of course it was very significant to me! Little did I know that our daughter was pouring milk all over the floor. I curtly told him that I would talk to him when I got home and hung up the phone in fear and frustration. I did not have the full information and the story I told myself was not accurate. One small thing that you can do is to not believe everything that you tell yourself.

Much like steering an ocean liner, decisions to change direction of the ship start small and begin miles before the turn must be completed. As we make small, incremental changes in how we are behaving and interacting with our partner, greater and desired change can begin to happen... often miles later!

Realize the only person you can truly change is you. Ask yourself, “What small thing do I need to do to help change the situation?”

My sweet, Polish mother-in-law always says that if it is going to be it’s up to me. That doesn’t mean we let our partner off the hook. It means that change begins with ourselves. I can’t over-emphasize enough that finding our partner doing good and appreciating them can seem so small and insignificant, and yet have such profound results.

Additionally, small acts of kindness set the stage for big results. It is the small things that mean the most. Leave a sticky note in their car that simply says have a wonderful day. Be curious about them. Send them a “I am thinking about you” text. A small— yet profound— change that can leave lasting impact on your relationship is the ability to apologize when you are wrong.

Noted couples researcher John Gottman believes that owning our part in things is the antidote to defensiveness— one of the key relationship killers. Learn to accept your part in the problems. Troubles in a marriage are never one-sided. Sue Johnson, the founder of Emotionally Focused Therapy, believes that a well-crafted apology where you own your part can enhance the relationship and help the relationship to heal.

Start small and see where it takes you and your relationship.



marriage counseling and sex therapy will improve your relationship

Chris Wilhoite MA, CST, C-PST Marriage, Relationship, and Certified Sex Therapist

Founder of Littleton Couple’s Counseling. Chris enjoys being in nature, hiking, paddle boarding, and cooking.

https://creativecontinuum.biz


Questions Answered At a Glance

Discover what makes therapy work

What makes sex therapy different from “normal” therapy?

Sex therapy is a type of psychotherapy that focuses specifically on communication, relationships, intimacy, and sex. We often discuss low libido, desire discrepancy, painful intercourse, non-traditional relationships, orgasm difficulties, and sexual preferences.

What is sex therapy?

Sex therapy is a form of talk therapy that helps people deal with sexual problems and improve their sexual health and well-being. It’s important because we’re all sexual beings, and our mental health can affect our sexual desire and pleasure. Sex therapy can help people talk about uncomfortable things about sex, intimacy, and communication, but it’s important to remember that many sexual health problems could be solved if people talked openly about sex and their experiences.

Are you comfortable talking about ethical non-monagomy (ENM)?

Yes. Ethical non-monogamy (ENM) is a relationship style that focuses on honesty, openness, and mutual agreement when it comes to having multiple romantic or sexual partners. Whether you’re just starting to think about this idea or have been curious for a while, ethical non-monogamy can be a really liberating way to love and connect. But it’s important to know that this lifestyle might not be right for everyone. That’s totally okay. The real question is, does ENM fit with your values and emotional needs?

Can you help with struggles with sex and religion?

You might be confused about why feelings about sex are so tough when you believe “God made us as we are.” This struggle and doubt can make you feel even more ashamed and alone from your partner. You might even wonder if you’re going through religious sexual trauma, even though you were never physically abused in the church. This unwanted religious sexual dysfunction can strain your intimate relationships, and it might make the pain, guilt, and shame you’ve been carrying since you were a kid even worse. We can help.

Are our sexual wants normal?

It can be tough to figure out what’s “normal” when it comes to sex, because everyone’s different. Instead of trying to fit in with what others think is “normal,” it’s more important to listen to your own body and mind. Think about what makes you feel good and what you’ve been wanting lately. Comparing yourself to others or to porn can make you feel bad about yourself, but if you’re struggling with your sexual identity, know that you’re not alone.

My partner and I have mismatched desire. Are we normal?

A common concern is the struggle with low libido or decreased arousal. Many people experience fluctuations in their sexual desire—often due to medical conditions, stress, or other underlying factors. If your current arousal levels differ significantly from the past or from your partner, discussing it with one of our certified psychosexual therapists can help alleviate anxiety and provide guidance on how to address the issue.

How do I know when it’s time to talk to someone about my sexual issues?

If you’ve been looking for info about sex therapy and common sexual concerns, you’ve already taken a huge step towards acknowledging your worries. If your concerns keep you up a night, talking to a sex therapist could give you some clarity and help you find solutions.