The ADHD Effect on My Marriage

Life is hard enough if you have teenage ADD, adult ADHD, teen ADD, or adult ADHD. Time management and follow-through may not be your strongest attributes. You may be forgetful or hyper-focused on select tasks and activities that interest you. You may have been passed over for a promotion you believe you’re qualified for. You may struggle to sit still during meetings. Your spouse may feel like they’re carrying most of the relationship load.

Your adult ADD/ADHD may get in the way of a close relationship.

Time for some self-disclosure

I recently discovered how effective my daily ADD/ADHD meds worked when, due to a change of doctors, I couldn’t get one of my old prescriptions renewed— the old doctor wouldn’t return the pharmacy’s calls. Over the course of a month I transformed from a caring and supportive partner into a real jerk. Truth be told, I was even more of a total asshole than a real jerk. I became mean, argumentative, and snappy. My wife and I argued and fought more in the last two week of this experience than we had in the prior year.

My wife even referred to me as Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde.

She wanted her Dr Jekyll back.

I had been under more stress than usual with some medical issues. I had been on six weeks of antibiotics that destroyed my gut health— at the best of times, I physically didn’t feel very good. Add on top of that all the tasks involved with opening the new office and I was ripe for disaster as Mr Hyde took over. Up to this point, neither of us knew what had changed to cause the extreme shift in my personality.

We were awake in bed talking one morning at 3:30 when the lightbulb switched on for us. Without the meds I was accustomed to, we had the opportunity to live with unmitigated ADD/ADHD.

Early on in my ADD training I read Melissa Orlov’s The ADHD Affect on Marriage. As my wife and I talked about me and my actions in the unmedicated weeks, I saw myself on every page of Orlov’s book. I was now the ADHD spouse and causing great stress to our relationship. While we both knew the current me wasn’t the real me, I confronted the reality that things had to change.

I had to change.

That night I made decisions that changed the course of the next couple of weeks. At this point I again knew what unrestrained ADHD felt like and how I acted when it was in control. I also knew how I wanted to feel and act. Now knowing what was going on inside of my brain, I focused on the skills, frameworks, and tools that have helped coaching clients: breathwork, self-soothing, self-reflection, nutrition, and open and consistent communication. When I started to feel Mr Hyde entering the picture, I would slow down and focus on what I needed at that time to return to a healthy mindspace.

A change of doctor and resumption of meds and I’m heading back to being me. Unfortunately, Mr Hyde and I caused damage to our relationship. We are rebuilding trust and communication. Repair will take time.

It’s now been a month since I lived this alternative me. Rarely does Mr Hyde rear his ugly head. I have hope that Dr Jekyll will be the driving persona in my life and in our relationship. We talk more and compliment each other when we experience a positive interaction.

A relationship between you and your partner need not be ruled by one partner’s adult ADHD. Involve someone who can help bring some sanity back into your relationship.

ADHD Coaching from living with Adult ADHD

I am an introspective adult ADHD coach: I leverage my formal ADHD and autism training and combine it with emotions, feelings, thoughts, frustrations, examples, frameworks, strategies, and solutions from my life. I have lived the family dynamic that ADHD creates both in a partnership and through struggles with undiagnosed children. At times, I have wanted to give up, walk away, and just have the frustration and fear stop.

I have recently experienced one of the most difficult clients I have ever worked with: me. Unlike neurotypical ADHD clinicians or coaches who can only provide textbook solutions to their ADD/ADHD clients, I lead from a place of knowing how I have wanted change in my own life. I know how my ADHD has hurt others and will walk with you through your journey to managing your teen ADHD or adult ADHD.

Let’s work together to get your Dr Jekyll back.