Sex & Autism 5: Talking more about sensory
As each of us walk through the world around us, our senses are flooded by sights, sounds, textures, smells, temperatures. So-called neurotypical people are usually able to filter out most of the world around them and actively experiences only pertinent information.
People with autism often lack the ability to filter out the unnecessary or persistent inputs. What’s a persistent input? Think about wearing clothes, a room’s temperature, or the feel of bed sheets. How about unnecessary inputs? An example is water running over your body in the shower or the sound of a car driving by.
Some folks with autism exhibit what neurotypical people may label an intense focus on details— we can’t not think about the stimulation. Once we feel a tag on our shirt, we always feel the tag.
The fire alarm went off the other day at the office. While it is a good idea to vacate the building if there is a fire, I find the strobe lights to be overly painful. While it turned out to be a false alarm activated by construction, I had to leave the building until the alarm was completely silenced and the intense lights stopped strobing.
I’ve worked with people with sensitivities to clothing where they removed all tags from shirts and pants and hyper-awareness to sounds where they wear noise-cancelling headphones. At times I still struggle when going into large stores because the visual stimuli are too great— all I want to do is run!
I don’t like the sounds and lights at Las Vegas. I don’t like loud, claustrophobic venues. I still would rather not go to Walmart, Home Depot, or Best Buy: too many visual, auditory, and olfactory distractions. Yes, when you go places with me you’ll hear me sniffing the air like a dog! To me, my sense of smell is as important as my vision and hearing.
Moving through hyperstimulation
So how did I get through some of my sensory struggles? It’s been a long journey… and the most dramatic elements of these changes for me can be summed up in one word: permission.
Years ago, I struggled in the grocery store. When I went alone, I raced in, got what I needed, and raced out. I had no concept of strolling the aisles. I was (and sometimes still am!) more comfortable going multiple times a week for specific items each time. When my wife went with me, she wanted to cruise the store and make sure she didn’t forget anything. At any time during these strolls through the store when I felt uncomfortable, I had permission to go sit in the car. When she saw me struggling, she would give me specific permission to leave the situation.
Getting to where I am took close to a decade of work.
The goal isn’t to eliminate the sensory struggle: it’s to be able to tolerate the stimuli to get through the even with a minimum of stress and anxiety.
Sex and the Grocery Store
So what does my safely getting through a grocery store have to do with your sex life?
Safe, patterned, repeated exposure is the key. At any time, both of you have permission to stop, ask questions, or share what you’re experiencing in the moment. As the two of you begin exploring the sensations of sex, your long-term goals do not need to be achieved in the first experience. Small, safe steps with explicit permission to stop will allow you to move closer to your goals.
