Be kind, even if you don’t want to
Mark Twain once wrote, “Kindness is a language which the deaf can hear and the blind can see.” I’ve personally observed this power in my life and invite you to build it in to yours.
When I was in post graduate training at Denver Family Institute, one of my professors gave us a piece of advice that has stuck with me. They said when all else fails, “gentleness will buy you a lot”. I have since expanded that idea to include that you will never regret being kind.
So often we get hurt, disappointed, and even devastated by our partner’s choices and actions. Most people don’t start out the day with the goal of how big of a jerk they could be to their partner. When your partner behaves in unsettling ways, get curious about what is happening for them. If they are acting in unsettling ways, more likely than not, they too are hurting in some fashion. Ask them about their experience from a place of compassion.
Drs John and Julie Gottman found kindness to be the single most important predictor of satisfaction and stability in a marriage or committed relationship. Noticing your partner and where they are struggling embodies kindness. Kindness is the willingness to wholeheartedly celebrate your partner’s successes and comfort them in their struggles.
Kindness starts with being kind to ourselves. When we are kind to ourselves, we develop a kindness muscle that sets the stage for us to be kind to those around us— and most importantly to those who are important to us. When we practice kindness we tend to be more grateful. This creates a feedback loop that serves to strengthen our relationships when we are in distress.
In his book 7 Habits of Highly Effective People, Stephen R Covey emphasized the importance of making emotional deposits. When we are kind and look at our partner with curiosity and kindness, we make deposits into their emotional bank account. Being kind, even when you think your partner doesn’t deserve it, often makes a big difference.
Covey expounds on this: “If I make deposits into an Emotional Bank Account with you through courtesy, kindness, honesty, and keeping my commitments to you, I build up a reserve.Your trust toward me becomes higher, and I can call upon that trust many times if I need to. I can even make mistakes and that trust level, that emotional reserve, will compensate for it. My communication may not be clear, but you'll get my meaning anyway. You won't make me ‘an offender for a word.’ When the trust account is high, communication is easy, instant, and effective.”
Kindness is the glue that holds us together through the tough times. Our actions pay dividends when we practice kindness with our partner. Rather than reacting and assuming that our spouse is a jerk, trust and kindness set the stage for a more satisfying relationship. If you and your partner need help, call and schedule an appointment today.
